two random thoughts unrelated to Christmas

I thought today about how parents trick us into doing educational things by making them fun. I remember playing something called the memory game. You set of several cards in rows and columns and then tried to match them. When I was five I played this for hours. It was all a trick to teach me how to have a better memory.

My sister is really bad at the original nintendo. She is used to the newer three demensional games. She's playing Super Mario Brothers 3 currently and I've had to get her out of several sticky situations. This just shows how much six years difference can make in the technology used by youth.

Should I feel more?

Today would have been my fifth anniversary and mostly I don't care. I feel like I should be really sad about it, but I'm not. I did think a little today about how I am still angry in regards to things that he said and did while we were divorcing. That, I want to get past. I want to be at complete peace about everything that happened. I actually feel very good about the fact that I am no longer married. I have grown and become such a different person and to go back or regret means to wish away the person that I now am.

Anyway, still wondering if I should feel worse, but I'm probably over analyzing. It actually seems a bit ridiculous to feel guilty about not feeling bad.

Faithless: Weapon of Mass Destruction

Whether long range weapon or suicide bomber
Wicked mind is a weapon of mass destruction
Whether your soar away Sun or BBC 1
Dis-information is a weapon of mass destruction
You could a caucasian or a poor Asian
Racism is a weapon of mass destruction
Whether inflation or globalization
Fear is a weapon of mass destruction

My dad came into my room olden his hat
I knew he was leavin, he sat on my bed told me some facts son
I have a duty, callin on me
You and your sister be brave my little solider, and don't forget all I told ya
Your the mister of the house now remember this
And when you wake up in the morning give ya momma a kiss, then I had to say goodbye
In the morn I woke momma with a kiss on each eyelid,
Even though I'm only a kid, certain things can't be hid
Momma grabbed me, held me like i was made of gold,
but left her in the story untold I said, momma it will be alright,
when daddy comes home, tonight

Whether long range weapon or suicide bomber
Wicked mind is a weapon of mass destruction
Whether your soar away Sun or BBC 1
Dis-information is a weapon of mass destruction
You could a Caucasian or a poor Asian
Racism is a weapon of mass destruction
Whether inflation or globalization
Fear is a weapon of mass destruction
Whether Haliburton or Enron or anyone
Greed is a weapon of mass destruction
We need to find courage, overcome
Inaction is a weapon of mass destruction
Inaction is a weapon of mass destruction
Inaction is a weapon of mass destruction

My story stops here, lets be clear this scenario is happenin everywhere
and you ain't goin to nirvana or favana
You comin right back here to live out your karma
with even more drama than previously, seriously
Just how many centuries have we been waiting for someone else to make us free
And we refuse to sleep, the people overseas are just like we
Mad leadership, amigos, unfettered and free
They feed on the people they're supposed to lead, I don't need it
We need to pray away, for the lord to make it all straight
Its only now we do it right, cos I don't want my daddy, leavin home tonight

whether long range weapon or suicide bomber
Wicked mind is a weapon of mass destruction
Whether your soar away Sun or BBC 1
Dis-information is a weapon of mass destruction
You could a Caucasian or a poor Asian
Racism is a weapon of mass destruction
Whether inflation or globalization
Fear is a weapon of mass destruction
Whether Haliburton or Enron or anyone
Greed is a weapon of mass destruction
We need to find courage, overcome
Inaction is a weapon of mass destruction
Inaction is a weapon of mass destruction
Inaction is a weapon of mass destruction

revelations

This is a huge entry and I don't feel like checking it for errors. I wrote it two weeks ago and haven't posted it...

So many things occured to me this weekend as I was with my family for an early Christmas celebration. It was an emotional weekend for me. I saw family that I haven't seen in several years. So here are some revelations in no particular order:

Dogs
I realized why I dislike dogs this weekend. Yesterday, shortly before we headed back to Seattle (we were in the lovely, bustling town of Moses Lake, WA), we stopped at my Aunt Gina's house. Now as long as I can remember, Gina's house has been a total dump! She had four kids, all of whom I am pretty sure do not know how to clean even a little bit. As a kid it didn't bother me, but as I look back on time spent there, I realized that as a child welfare worked, it was so gross that at times I could probably have removed children from there. So, we all get the point, it's a mess.

So, yesterday as we were leaving, we stopped briefly at my aunt's house. I did not get out of the car and neither did my sister. My aunt was giving us presents to take back to my grandfather in Seattle. As I looked out into her yard, which has lovely debris everywhere, I saw the what has always existed in my aunt's yard...several, nasty, smelly, big, icky, dirty dogs. Now you may be asking yourself how I know that they smell, well I will tell you...experience. Their house has had several dogs of this nasty level since I was a very small child. I had a flash back memory in that moment. I remembered being young and small and having big, icky, dirty, smelling dogs jump on me and knock me down. I remember that my older cousins Eric and Mike would see this happen (as they were supposed be watching over the little kids) and they would laugh, not helping us at all. Therefore, I figure this is where my ingrained dislike of dogs came from. I turned to my sister to share this revelation and she seconded what I had to say, she also has bad memories of my aunt's big, stinky, nasty, mongrel dogs.


I am the black sheep
When we arrived at my mother's mother's house, or as some may call her my maternal grandmother's house, it was time to start our yearly family festivities. This is a rather large family, with five kids, their spouses, eleven grandkids and their spouses (except my brother, sister and I, the only ones not in serious relationships or married) and seven great grandchildren. This is no small get together.

So before we eat everybody is talking about their lives and their children. I had absolutely nothing to add to these conversations, they were about people and things that I don't know. Then later, when we sat down to eat, I mostly talked with my sister and brother. I really only spoke with my cousin Becky, who is the only other cousin besides me who went to college. Funny girl, but still one who will settle in Moses Lake and be happy. (Moses Lake has a population of about 16, 000)

Later the first and second generation (I am in what is considered the third generation) opened their presents. During this time I started a conversation with my dad about a Bushisms calendar I got for my birthday. Even though, my dad loves George Bush (both of them) he asked for me to share one, I did and those around me chuckled. I then chose another one, that people around me didn't find so funny. At this my grandmother said "uh-oh, sounds like Trissa voted democrate in this election". Everybody chuckles. I simply smiled. Then my uncle Gerry says, "yeah, but that's because she's in her twenties. Winston Churchill once said 'that if you aren't a liberal in your twenties you have no heart, but if you're not a conservative by the time you're forty you have no brain'". I said "I work in a job where there are plenty of people who are in their forties and fifties and they still voted democrate. I think that in my line of work, where I see human suffering everyday, I don't think I will ever vote for conservative, program cuting Republicans." At that the conversation was dropped, however, I kept thinking about it.

I realized that I was there were so many things that set me aside from this group, my family. This biggest thing to me is that I think I am probably the only one that has asked myself the huge life questions. Probably one of the only ones who has really thought about spirituality and the big picture of caring for humanity. The all of excepted that they were born in the middle class, the will live in the middle class and they will die in the middle class, living their small town/suberbia lifestyles. Of course they aren't liberal, because in general I find liberals are the type of people who care about the bigger picture of humanity and caring for humanity, instead of their tiny place within it.

When I was leaving my grandmother gave me a hug. I said I loved her and she said jokingly that she loved me too, even though I was a democrate.


My dad's family is slowly tearing itself apart
Of course this scenerio involves money and bitter people. Basically after my grandfather died, my great aunt (my grandmother's sister) moved to the town were my grandparents live. So is not a terribly nice person and she really doesn't care for men. Slowly through her influence and that of my great grandmother, my grandmother has started to believe that taking care of herself is more important for family. So, here's where the money comes in, my grandmother sold out and got new house in exchange for her farm. If she had followed my uncle's (who is an attorney) advice there could have been money for her and the family, as well as a new house.

The money doesn't matter to me. What matters is the contention, the back stabbing and the selfishness.

This mess has gone so far that my great grandmother, told her own grandson (my dad) that he was a bum and that all the men in the family were. The truth is that I haven't met three harder working men than my grandfather, father and uncle. My aunt has also said stuff like this to my father and mother. It's aweful and it's hard for me not be bitter and angry toward them. However, I know that if I put a rift between them and myself, it will also put a rift between my grandmother and I. I love my grandmother and I don't want to hurt her.

This realization was what I was trying to avoid. Hence why I haven't been there in a couple of years.

Anger and Bitterness are getting me nowhere
I find that I am angry and bitter toward many things and people, including Christians, Republicans and the rich. I find that I resent their apathy, uncaring and selfish attitudes. Here are two major problems with that thinking: One, I'm making huge generalizations and Two, I am being hypocritical. This gets me nowhere and it doesn't change things. The question is, how do I overcome the bitterness and resentment? How do I fight through the anger to love and have compassion for everybody?

These are probably not huge revelations, but they have made me think.

A Burden I Don't Want to Carry

I feel like I am fighting a losing battle. I feel like people just don't care. They don't care about child abuse, domestic violence, sex abuse, poverty, etc. I feel like so many people in this country and even just in my life don't want to know or don't believe. Part of it comes down to the fact that they can't place themselves in the mind set of an abuser and therefore that can't conceive that it would even be like that. I feel frustrated that people chose to keep themselves uneducated or in the dark about these issues that effect every part of society.

Even if we were just to talk money, child abuse, sex abuse, poverty and domestic violence cost this country billions of dollars each year. In Oregon, just the cost of foster care is tremendous. The cost of police responding to calls of abuse. The cost of shelters running. The cost of treatment programs. The cost of keeping people in prison. A heard that a survey had been done on women in Oregon prisons, every person who participated reported abuse of some sort. The cost of therapy. The cost of juvenile delinquency. The cost of unemployment. The cost of welfare. Maybe if we could work on preventive measures, then there wouldn't be such a high cost of responsive measures. However, my theory is that the average tax payer doesn't care or doesn't know, so therefore why would they want to pay for preventive measures.

Part of what makes my job even harder, is that people in my life don't want to know about it. They say things like "I could never do job like that" and that's the end of it, they don't want to know any more than. It feels like Child Welfare workers and the police fight this impossible battle without the support of the general public, who seems to say "do your job, so I don't have to know about it or deal with it." It's so funny how when a child gets hurt the public is so ready to point a finger.

It's a burden I don't want to carry, but I fear I have to.

Although for those who are interested here are some excellent websites on the realities of abuse:

domestic violence:
http://www.mvwcs.com/domesticviolence.html
They actually have lots of information on abuse and assault, besides DV.

child abuse:
http://www.jimhopper.com/abstats/
http://www.childabuse.org/kidswehelp.htm
http://nccanch.acf.hhs.gov/

sex abuse:
http://www.prevent-abuse-now.com/stats.htm

Yahweh

A beautiful song by U2...


Take these shoes
Click clacking down some dead end street
Take these shoes
and make them fit

Take this shirt
Polyester white trash made in nowhere
Take this shirt and make it clean, clean
Take this soul Stranded in some skin and bones
Take this soul and make it sing, sing

Yahweh, Yahweh
Always pain before a child is born
Yahweh, Yahweh
Still I’m waiting for the dawn

Take these hands
Teach them how to carry
Take these hands, don’t make a fist, no
Take this mouth
So quick to criticise
Take this mouth, give it a kiss

Yahweh, Yahweh
Always pain before a child is born
Yahweh, Yahweh
Still I’m waiting for the dawn

Still waiting for the dawn
The sun is coming up
The sun is coming up on the ocean
This love is like a drop in the ocean
This love is like a drop in the ocean

Yahweh, Yahweh
Always pain before a child is born
Yahweh, Yahweh
Why the dark before the dawn

Take this city
A city should be shining on the hill
Take this city if it be your will
What no man can own, no man can take

Take this heart
Take this heart
Take this heart
And make it break

Happiness

I think the word happy should be erased from the English language. I think that this word sets people up for failure. For some reason happiness has become an American ideal, in fact it was even put into the declaration of independence...

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all mean are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness."

Has a creator made happiness an unalienable right? How could that be possible? Does this mean that happiness is when we get everything that we want?

I recall one of my favorite movies, Bruce Almighty. He becomes God and gives everybody what they want (at least those that live in Buffalo) and complete chaos ensues and nobody is happy.

But maybe happiness doesn't mean having everything you want, maybe it means just having a few things that you want. Fortunately for Americans, unlike people of many countries, a good percentage of us can afford things that we want. But does it make us happy? Is it supposed to? Do we think it will?

Maybe for some people the things they acquire do make them happy. However, I question whether it really does. I think that the consumerism that runs this country tells us that the more we have, the happier we will be. Following this theory, those who are rich and have many personal possessions must be very happy. However, this isn't true either.

So, if things and money can't make us happy, then what does? Because remember, happiness is our inalienable right. Well, maybe family will make us happy. Having a spouse and kids. But wait, how many of us grew up in households where our parents weren't happy. Sure there may have been happy moments, but happiness did not exist at all times.

So if it's not things, family or money, what will make us happy? Maybe it's introspection. However, as those of us who have done much introspection know, it's not an easy process. It's a hard hurtful one, to delve into the bitterness and address that which has hurt us. Many times during this process people will get stuck in certain spots, because it's just too painful to press forward. Therefore, introspection won't make us happy.

This is why I believe the ideal of happiness sets us up for failure. When people aren't happy we think something is wrong with them. Maybe it's okay to have good times and bad times. Maybe there are moments of happiness, times that we really appreciate because we are not always in the state of happiness.

So what should we be searching for instead of happiness? For me, I'm looking for peace. However, I know that this is also not a constant state. I want to improve myself and be a better person; to effect peoples lives in a positive manner. I have decided to not make myself crazy by acquiring things and people to make myself happy. I am going to go inward to make change and then go outward.

My Birthday

I just finished writing that last entry and want my brain to be washed out with soap, so now I am going to write a much happier blog.

Monday is my 24th birthday. I feel odd entering into my mid-twenties. I guess as a kid mid-twenties and eventually your thirties seem so far away. When young, one thinks that being 24+ is very old and that around that age they should have some clue about how life works. While I soon will be in my mid-twenties, I feel pretty unknowledgeable. I feel like I should have a better grasp on what this world's about.

Anyway, I really like December because it has my birthday and Christmas in the same month. This means one month a year I get lots of presents. I always say that presents aren't a big deal, but who am I kidding, presents are fun!

Megan and I decorated the Christmas tree last weekend. We sucked Adrian into it, after he had earlier attempted to decline. We then watched Home Alone ( a classic Christmas film) and wrapped up the evening with a fun game of The Farming Game (much like monopoly, only you're a farmer). Now to some this may seem like something someone under the age of 12 would do with a Sunday afternoon, but the simple pleasure of that afternoon made me very happy.

And totally unrelated to this topic, Madonna is in Die Another Day as Verity. Those who argued with me about this may now bow their heads in shame.

I didn't want to know...

I didn't want to know that 1 in 10 men is a child sex molester. I didn't want to know that 1 in 3 girls and 1 in 6 boys will be molested (although experts estimate that statistics grossly underestimate the actual number of boys who are molested). I didn't want to know that most child molesters are well liked, successful and functional individuals. I didn't want to know that only 1/3 of child molesters were molested themselves and that it's not a power thing, but they really are attracted to children. I didn't want to know that treatment is rarely successful but that it's one of only two solutions to dealing with sex offenders; the other being prison. I didn't want to know that most sex offenders will have assaulted several victims before being caught and that minimum jail sentences are pretty low for most sex offences. I didn't want to know that probably half of the kids I work with have been molested. I didn't want to know that studies show that in 40% of homes where domestic violence occurs there is also child molestation. I didn't want to know that my neighbor is just as likely to be a child molester as my clients are.

I guess in my job I tried to separate; I could say us and them. Now I can't. Domestic violence, child abuse and sex abuse occur in every socioeconomic class and culture. Actually it probably happens more in white middle class homes than any other in this country because that's what the majority of the homes in the US are.

Not only does all that I have mentioned pain me, but it also hurts me that most people don't care. Child abuse and domestic violence are everybody's issue, but most people turn a blind eye. Part of me can understand that, because really as I said earlier I don't want to know this shit either. However, there is a giant tug in my heart and soul to help children as much as I possibly can. Therefore I will educate people as much as I can; as much as I can handle.

Here are tips that sex offenders in treatment, here in Portland, wrote about how to protect children:

How Child Molesters Gain Access to Children:
1. I pay attention to your child and make them feel special.
2. I present the appearance of being someone you and your family can trust and rely on.
3. I get to know your child's likes and dislikes very well.
4. I go out of my way to buy gifts or treats your child will like.
5. I isolate your child by involving them in fun activities so we can be together-alone.
6. If you are a single parent, I may prey on your fears about your child lacking a father figure or stable homelife.
7. If my career involves working with children, I may also choose to spend my free time helping children or taking them on "special outings" by myself.
8. I take advantage of your child's natural curiosity about sex by telling "dirty" jokes, showing them pornography and playing sexual games.
9. I will probably know more about what kids like than you do; i.e. music, clothing, video games, language, etc.
10. I make comments like "Anyone who molest a child should be shot!" or "Sexually abusing a kids is the sickest thing anyone can do."
11. If I am a parent, it is even easier for me to isolate, control and molest my own children. I can sucally abuse my children without my wife ever suspecting a thing. I gradually block the communication between my children and their mother and make it look like I'm the "good guy."
12. I may touch your child in your presence so that he/she things you are comfortable with the way I touch them.

Why Child Molesters Don't Get Caught:
1. I convince your child that they are responsible for my behavior.
2. I make your child think no one will believe them if they tell on me.
3. I tell your child that you will be disappointed in them for what they have done "with" me.
4. I warn your child that they will be the one who will be punished if they talk.
5. I may threaten your child with physical violence against them, a loved one or a pet.
6. I may have gotten the child to feel sorry for me or believe that they are the only on who understands me.
7. If I am a parent or live in a home with children, my behavior may look accidental. I may "accidentally" expose myself or "accidentally" walk in on children while they are using the bathroom or changing clothes.
8. If I am a father, my behavior might look "normal" to other people. I may use situation like tucking the kids in at night to touch them sexually.
9. I may have told my children that "this is what all fathers do with their children" so they don't know to tell.
10. I may be so good at manipulating children that they may try to protect me because they love me.

Prevention:
1. Don't expect your child to be able to protect themselves from me or assume that they will be able to tell you that I am abusing them.
2. Communication: listen, believe and trust what your child tells you. children rarely lie about sexual abuse.
3. Education: teach your child healthy values about sexuality. If you don't teach them...I will.
4. Watch for any symptoms of sexual abuse your child might demonstrate.
5. An excellent guide for teaching children about sexual abuse is A Very Touching Book by Jan Hindman; for teens No is Not Enough by Caren Adams, Jennifer Fay and Jan Loreen-Maritc; for adults By Silence Betrayed by John Crewdson.
6. Give your child specific information about where on their body they should not be touched or touch others.
7. Let them know that people who touch children's private parts need help because they have a problem with touching.
8. Remind your child that "secret touching" is never a children's fault. Talk to your child about the ways someone might try to "trick" them into going along with the "secret touching" or not telling you that is is happening to them.
9. Make sure you child knows that you want them to tell you immediately if something should happen and that, despite what anyone else may tell them, they will not be in trouble.
10. Get to know your child's friends and the homes in which your child plays.
11. Be wary of older children or adults who want to spend a lot of time alone with your child.
12. Trust your intuition: if you fell something is not right in your child's relationships, act on it.
13. Learn about the prevention program that your school uses and sicuss if with your children. Have "safety talks" with your children several times a year. Add information about the risk of encountering sexually explicit materials and adult offenders in the community and onthe internet.
14. Almost one quarter of children are exposed to "unwanted" pornography via the Internet. Use an ISP that offers screening for obscenity and pornography.


What makes this whole thing hard is that I don't want to worry outside of work. I want my home life to be neat and tidy completely free from the issues I deal with at work.

So I didn't want to know, but I do. And you didn't want to know and now you do. It's not the gross homeless guy down under the Morrison Street Bridge that is going to molest your child, it's their child's friend's parent, their teacher, coach, pastor or even their parent.