I secretly suspect that I don't like my job as much as I convince myself that I do. I like the ideal of helping children, but the burn out is coming on fast. I'm tired and don't feel like making deadlines. Recently, I have wanted to walk into my boss's office and quite. However, we all know I won't (damn my parents and teaching me guilt based work ethics).

Yesterday two of my kiddos went to adoption committee. Just as the name sounds, the a committee chose a new family for these children. I almost cried, because I knew my work had brought about these very special children getting a home that will be so much better for them. However, when I think about all the work I've done on this case and how much is left to do I feel weighed down.

I am on the road to burn out.

Today started and ended on a good note. When I was driving to work 311's remake of The Cure's Love Song came on. I knew I would have a good day (at least for the next 5 minutes). Then on my way home there was a very beautiful rainbow. I'm exhausted, but not enough to stop enjoying the simply things.

beautiful creation

sailing with Eric on the Columbia 

I get to go back to this tomorrow. 

It's lookin like I might get to go to the U2 concert in December. The show sold out in four minutes today, but I have a couple of friends who bought lots of tickets. I am so happy!

I am not good a sitting still. I am not very good at listening. I have a hard time being authentic. I really don't like being alone. I feel anxious and guilty when it's pretty outside and I am inside. I am not wonderful at worship.

Today I spent about two hours out at the Grotto. I went there to pray, think or meditate; which ever happened first. I struggled to do any of those things. I wondered aimlessly, taking random pictures.

I feel frustrated that things aren't the way I want them to be. I feel frustrated that I can't make a decision and stick to it. I feel frustrated that I tend to be selfish.

Oh how moods can change in just one day.

grounds of the grotto 

St. Francis of Asisi

This photo of St. Francis reminds me of Kat and a recent conversation that we had.

Portland in the Spring

I went on a walk with Kelly yesterday. We walked and I listened at she talked. I enjoy spending time with her and value the fact that she considers me someone she can share her thoughts with.

As we walked there were people walking, children playing, bikers and joggers. When it's sunny in the Northwest people enjoy every second of it. The air was intoxicating, rich with flowery scents. It was invigorating.

Later in our walk, I was almost hit by a little boy on his bike. He said "watch out". His father, also on a bike, said to him "not to be confused with excuse me". It was a cute interaction which made me smile as they turned the corner onto the next block.

I brought my camera with me and pondered how I ever lived without it. I feel that life is so much more easily told with visuals.

Life's good.

 

Free at last! Free at last! Thank God almighty I am free at last!

Ritual? Is is essential? Do we fill in the blanks with material ritual? In our desire to break away from the old, we left everything. We ignore the cry to let our minds be free. We want logic and reason. The pendulum swung, leaving behind the good and the bad. How do we get it back? What is ritual? What does it mean?

a love note

Megan and I continue to carpool. Now that she lives in SW PDX, I go to her house and we travel from there. Today I left my car in the wrong spot and received this very cheerful love note from their neighbor. Thanks Gary, I appreciate the please.

ramblings 

There is so much noise. I desire to write my heart, but I don't know it. There's so much clouding. Right now thoughts of them swirl through my head. I think about my job, my new camera, the laundry that needs to be done, things I've read, my desire to feel the joy of last Spring. I love Portland and the beauty that I feel in this city.

Why do I worry about clothes? Why do I worry about money? Why do I worry at all?

I want to see the beauty and take pictures of it. I want to perceive the beauty. I want to have hope. I want to build new relationships. I want to be a part of community. I want these things, but I'm tired.

Dream, what does that mean? Do I still dream? What are my dreams? Dreams are like the candle on this table. The flame shifts based on the slightest breeze. My dreams are buried under anxiety. My fear overwhelms me and my dreams are blown out; no longer a light to watch or be guided by.

I don't want to have the hardness pierced because I'm afraid. I'm afraid of risk. I'm afraid of joy and peace, because to have those I must inevitably go deeper. If feel so much anxiety about it all.

Kat just hit the nail on the head. God, daddy, wants us before him. For love, for fun. He's not worried that we have our ducks in a row.

new tattoo

This is the new tattoo. It hurt a little but was well worth it. Kat and I were in Seaside about to drive home, when she spotted a tattoo parlor. She suggested that I get a tattoo to "devirginize" myself. We went it and at first were told that they probably didn't have the time, but eventually found one of the of staff who could do it. I looked through their books and immediately liked the above. It means hope in Tibetan. I need lots of hope and maybe with it permanently on my body I will remember to hope. Kat ended up helping me pay for it, which was super sweet. I'll pay her back next month. It was a spontaneous thing that I will obviously always remember and treasure.

I got a tattoo today. It's the tibetan symbol for hope. Pictures will follow.

new shoes

This weekend I went home to visit my family. On that trip I bought these great shoes. I also bought a pair for my mom, as it was her birthday. These shoes make me smile.

There are only two things I like about having a long commute. The first is being able to listen to music for a significant part of the day. I also enjoy the bumper stickers. Today I saw one that said "Darwin loves you". It made me laugh. Then there are the car decoration cliches, such as the Jesus fish and a Bush/Cheney 2004 sticker or my fav, the Fish 104.1/Yes on 36 combination. I like witty bumper stickers like "Don't use your blinker, keep us guessing". That particular jewel was on the back of a tiny motorcycle. It barely fit and looked a little odd, so I suppose that the driver must have really liked it. Either that or he had a bad experience once. Sometimes I can pick out cars that I've seen before simply based on their multiple sticker statements. The funny thing is that I am very opposed to marring my own car with bumper stickers, but I appreciate that others do, because sometimes it makes my day a bit brighter.