God bless New Orleans and all the victims of Hurricane Katrina.

http://www.katrinahome.com/index.php

I just received proof that God does exist...there is an all day marathon of Law and Order this weekend.

I am surrounded by talented people and it's wonderful. Congrats Kelly, you sounded great!

So the move to Beaverton has started. Because Joelly is gone, I have been keeping myself occupied with packing. I spent most of the day at my house cleaing and sorting. I brought a few things over tonight.

I am currently watching Harold and Maude, a very interesting film. It's about a boy who's obsessed with death. He regularly attends funerals where he meets Maude, a women in her late seventies. They strike up an odd friendship.

This month my sister turned 19, Kat turned 27 and today, Kelly turned 26. Happy Birthday everybody. I think it's a bit crazy that most of the people in my life are Leos.

"'You see Dr. Stadler, people don' want to think. And the deeper they get into trouble, the less they want to think. But by some sort of instinct, they feel that they ouugth to and it makes them feel guilty. So they'll bless and follow anyone who gives them a justification for not thinking. Anyone who makesa virtue-a highly intellectual virture-out of what they know to be their sin, their weekness and their guilt.'"

Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged

Joel's cat misses him...come to think of it, I miss him lots also.

I want to scream at Eddie Willers. The idiot continues to share info with the lowly Taggart employee thinking it's safe. However, the moron can't seem to put it together that every time he shares info with this said employee, something goes wrong related to the topic on which they spoke. Does the man not understand the concept of corporate spies?

I find that I really love Atlas Shrugged. It's hands down one of the best books I've ever read and I am only a fifth of the way through (so there is more fun to come). Ayn Rand paints her characters very well, making one sympathetic toward those people who not normally like.

(Eddie Willers is a character in Atlas Shrugged)

When I arrived home, this is what greeted me. I had gotten off work a little early tonight and decided to stop by the store to buy Joel a small present and stuff to make dinner. I thought he wasn't going to be home for another hour or more. However, when I arrived home he had had also gotten home early and had prepared this suprise. He greeted me with the rose and several lovely kisses. He had to run all over to get the candle holder, flower and candles. The rose ended up in a Mike's Hard Lemonade bottle, which just makes the whole gesture that much sweeter (although I don't really know how to explain why).

I think it's pretty great that we thought to suprise each other on the same night. I think it's one more confirmation that moving into together is the right thing.

 

On Saturday, some coworkers and I went out for a bite to eat at Mama Mia's, downtown, and then went to the drag show at Darcelle's. Dinner was fun; I told the story about the disasterous results of my setting up one of my male coworkers with a friend. They all proclaimed they were glad they were drunk, because the mental image that it gave was not one they wanted.

My evening actually started when I drove to my friend Liz's house, from where we walked. I'll tell ya, she doesn't live that close to the restaurant or Darcelle's. Therefore, I ended up walking about three miles in high heeled shoes (not fun and one more reason it sucks to be a girl).

Once at the bar, we joined the drinking. Our waitor flirted with each of us. We simply had a good time.

Next was the lovely drag show at Darcelle's. As you can see above and below, they pulled out all the stops. They even had a Liza Minelli impersonator who looked better than the actual Liza. Through out the show I laughed and enjoyed. The odd thing was that it seemed to make some of my coworkers really uncomfortable. Sarah, who sat on my right kept hiding her head on my shoulder. Whenever she did I would think that I must really be jaded to not find the show even one bit embarassing or offensive.

Overall, it was a fun experience. I will keep Darcelle's in mind if I ever have a bachelorette party.

a girl's first drag show 

Liz and Trissa at Mama Mia's 

Today I spent the morning with Joel at his dojo (for those of who don't know anything about martial arts, that's the place where they have class). A little boy in the kids class was testing for his black belt. The event started out with all the kids, Joel' sensei and Joel bowing to eachother, kneeling and stating their values. I was moved by their values, once of which is to condition the body and mind to improve the spirit. They then all started to practice moves. After extensive conditioning, the actual sparing began. The little boy, Conrad, has to spar with 10 people for a minute each. While this doesn't sound hard in and of itself, this comes after an hour and a half of conditioning. The little boy made it 8 rounds and then had to face Joel. I watched as Joel spared with Conrad. He didn't make it easy for Conrad, but he definitely held back. At one point, Joel did a high kick and the boy caught is leg and pushed him over. Everybody clapped in celebration for Conrad. Inside I smiled because I knew Joel had subtly coreographed this fall to help Conrad feel better about his fighting. In the 10th round, Conrad had to fight his sensei.

From what I observed, the black belt test was not about winning, but rather about not giving up. They asked him several times if he wanted to quit and each time he lifted his chin higher and said no. With great fortatude, Conrad successfully completed his black belt. The audience cheeredwhen the final round was ended and Conrad was still standing.

I was very touched that Joel invited me into his world. It helped me to see what a passionate person he is and how loved he is by his community. As I sat there watching him interact with the children and his sensei, I had such overwhelming feelings. I was touched by the beauty of karate and I was moved by Joel's commitment. At one point I found myself reaching for my notebook to write the following (this is very intimate, but I want to share it with those in my life):

"Right now-in this moment-I know that Joel's it. I'm watching him help his sensei test a kid for his black belt. Joel's passion is beautiful. His controlled strength makes me feel passion. I am utterly in love with him."

I know that we've known eachother for such a short time, but I feel very sure about being with him and taking our relationship to the next levels.

 

 

"They professed to love him for some unknown reason and they ignored all the things for which he could wish to be loved. He wondered what response they could hope to obtain from him in such manner-if his response was what they wanted. And it was, he thought; else why those constant complaints, those unceasing accusations about his indifference? Why that chornic air of suspicion, as if they were waiting to be hurt? He had never had a desire to hurt them, but he had always felt their defensive, reproachful expectation; they seemed wounded by anything he said, it was not a matter of his words or actions, it was almost...almost as if they were wonded by the mere fact of his being. Don't start imagining the insane-he told himself severely, struggling to face the riddle with the strictest of his ruthless sense of justice. He could not condemn them without understanding; and he could not understand."

Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged

Being a girl sucks! Making oneself beautiful is even worse! Plucking eyebrows, waxing lips, shaving, etc.

Right now I am sitting in my once favorite coffee shop, Urban Grind, eating nearly perfect toast and drinking a Mackerccino (a drink, that while named after the owner of the shop, was actually invented by Kat). This is the first time I have been able to experience the plethora of wi-fi hot spots in the Portland area and be able to enjoy the full pleasure of owning a lap top. The thought that I would be able to type an entry while at Urban Grind was very thrilling to me. Therefore, I was not too upset when I discovered that I would have most of the morning to myself.

On my way over I was thinking about how this location houses a church that I used to attend; Urban Church, although it no longer goes by that name. This lead me to wonder, what would those who still attend have to say about my recent lack of church attendance. I wondered if they would be horrified that I attended a Unitarian Universalism Church several weeks ago (which is something I intend on writing about at some point, but just haven't gotten around to). With the assumption that many Christians believe that UU is a cult, (this is not a judgment, but simply an observation based on experience) some of them would not be happy to hear about my Sunday activity. This lead to another thought...did Jesus ever mean to invent a religion? Did he intend that 2000 years after his death, his name would be invoked to impart exclusionism? Did Buddha? Did Mohammad?

I thought about the often quoted response by Christians when faced with something that might be truth outside of their religion, which is "Jesus said he was the way, the truth and the life and that nobody can go to the father except through him." I know this is an often quoted response because one, I have used this quote and two, I have heard others use this quote. It's like the Christian trump card..."yeah, well my guy said that nobody's getting to God except through him, discussion closed." I remember attending a camp one summer where a speaker actually said to use something similar to this quote if someone from another faith (i.e. Buddhist, Muslim, etc.) tried to convince you that what they were saying was truth. Aw, keeping the minds of youth open.

So back to my question, was Jesus creating an exclusionary religion when he used the words "I am the way, the truth and the light; no one can come to the father except through me."? That statement, taken quite literally, does seem to be saying that Jesus is the shit. Nobody is getting through any other way. However, let's shut off our literal minds for a second and ask some other questions. What if Jesus was saying "watch my actions, do what I do and you will meet the father"? What if Jesus was trying to convey that he had come into the world at a really shitty time and that he had something interesting to say? That if one was to listen to the religious bullshit of their time, they would be missing the point.

I think bottom line someone has to ask themselves what was Jesus about. In my perspective the man was all about love, love and more love. He was about healing the sick, feeding the poor and protecting those who couldn't protect themselves. I think that often Jesus would kindly call his disciples idiots because they were looking for a quick answer. They wanted a literal meaning to each parable. Well, if the man had wanted everything to be taken literally he would have sat down and mde a step by step list of what one has to do to get their ass into heaven. He didn't. And if anybody ever says that he did, I would seriously question their theological foundations.

Okay, I am starting to go off on a tangent.

So at this point I was sitting at the stop light at Weidler and 21st thinking..."shit, I need to write this stuff down before I leaves my head." So I picked up a discarded gum rapper and a pen and made small notations to remind myself what I was thinking about.

The questions above lead me to think about Jesus's last words before his death on the cross, "Father forgive them, because they don't know what they are doing." (Yes, this is a loose translation) Now, growing up I assumed that these words were in reference to the Jews and Romans that killed Jesus, however this doesn't make much sense (I don't feel like explaining why it doesn't make sense at the moment, but if one were to use the reasoning of fundamental Christian theology, it doesn't make sense). This lead me to ask the question what if Jesus was talking about those who would follow after him? What if he was saying "father, they don't have a fucking glue, so forgive them when they fuck up"? What if he was saying "father, leaders are going to make a religion out of my teachings, but will miss the whole point; forgive them because they're just trying to get by"? What if he was just saying "father, I love them, you love them, they are weak, they are human, they often have their heads up their asses; forgive them because they are beautiful, they are life"?

So, these were the thoughts I had before I walked in the door of Urban Grind. But now that I am here, I am going to enjoy my Mackercinno.

value of life?

http://www.cnn.com/2005/WORLD/europe/08/06/russia.sea/index.html

I find it amazing that nations will intervene when there is a tragedy such as this, but full scale warfare and genocide can occur without the slightest hint that anybody cares. Do not take my statement the wrong way and assume that I am saying that the members of that submarine crew should not be saved. I personally cannot imagine a worse death than being trapped in a small space at the bottom of the ocean (this is why I did not care for the movie Abyss). What I am saying is that we should not choose that some human tragedy is an event that warrants the help of several different countries and that some (which often take more lives, i.e war and genocide) don't warrant intervention.

These are just some thoughts. I know that like my self many people are just trying to get by. But what I would say is that humanity will be much improved if we educate ourselves and cry out when there is injustice.

My hopes and prayers to the people on that submarine and the rescuers who are helping.

Some random thoughts:

Today I was at Safeway and decided that I needed some caffeine to get me through the day. I went to the cooler to grab a diet coke and accidentally grabbed a caffeine free diet coke. I quickly put it back with a look of horror on my face and grabbed the caffeinated kind instead. The thought I had as I was walking away was this...It doesn't have sugar, it doesn't have caffeine...what's the point? It's just brown, carbonated, syrupy water.

I had a dream last night about one of our juvenile court attorneys. Overall, I found the dream quite disturbing. In it she went from being a client to being an attorney who represents clients. She permed her hair thinking that it would be good enough to have people not realize that she had once been in prison and that her kids removed from her care. This attorney is notoriously known for being a bitch. She does very little work and then berates case workers while in court. I have never had problems with her other than the normal lawyer unreasonableness. However, I shared the dream with a couple of co-workers who found it rather amusing.

I was just writing out a to do list at work. This is a task I try to avoid, because when I actually write out everything I need to do, I start to feel overwhelmed. So far I have 13 things on it. More than likely it will end up double that. And these are things that have to be done by the end of Monday.

Last night I accomplished absolutely nothing (well, I did do some laundry). I sat in front of the tv and played with my new lap top. I never got the whole watching tv/lap top thing, which is a favorite pass time of many of my friends, until last night. It was one of the most relaxing times I've had in awhile. It numbs the brain.

Joel and I seem to be getting pretty serious. I love him and it makes me happy that we feel as strongly as we do.

Well, time to start tackling that to do list.

 

you will never loose track of time...

http://home.tiscali.nl/annejan/swf/timeline.swf

I bought a reasonably priced, relatively new, slightly used lap top today. I decided last night that I wanted one and being a person who is not big on delayed gratification, I started searching Craigslist. Fortunately, I found something that was within my price range and would meet all my needs. Now I am sitting on Joel's living room floor writing this entry.

Craigslist has been a very good resource for me. I have purchased my computer, my bed and my car off of CL. I also met all my roommates, my boyfriend and a couple of my friends off CL. I have to say that Craig is a brilliant man as he has created an interesting place of commerce and connectedness.

Today I visited five kids on my caseload, who are all siblings. They range in age from 14 to 1 year; an older boy, three girls in the middle and a baby boy. Yesterday they had a visit with their mom, who lied through her teeth; promising these fives kids that they could come home soon. I spoke to the foster mom about what they said after the visit. She stated that the girls were jabbering about how their mom only had to find a place to live and they would go home. This is totally untrue. This women, who somehow managed to produce five lovely children, has not done a single thing to get her kids back. For months she didn't even show up to visits. This month they have been in foster care for six months and she has seen them twice.

I had the ever-so-fun task of sitting the four oldest children down and in the nicest way possible tell them their mother is full of crap. I let them know that most likely they will be separated, as the girls have a dad who is doing what he is supposed to do. And I made it very clear that they would not be going back to their mom any time soon.

It's very hard to look in to the faces of four sweetly natured children and tell them that their mom is a not getting it together for them. I can't even imagine what they're thinking. How would you feel if someone, who you barely know, told you your mom is choosing drugs over you?